DOUBT

DOUBT

it is beautiful outside

i wish it was beautiful

In my brain

i am half-and-half-and-half

a God

is sorrowful

is sorry

heaven is full of sorrow, i think

i see how i see the world –

and satan within me asked

i am perplexed(?)

whispered muffled psalms into my ear

i heard the devil’s howl and

i suffered holy pleasure

i am half-and-half-and-half a god, god,

I heard, is hollow

is hollow

 

ugly thoughts;

sorry mommy

 

my eyes continue to cry

& i tier my breaths when

i see the red moons wafting

in the milk of His eyes

constant highs

lick it lick it lick it lick it! EVIL

ugly thoughts ugly brain

 

wish my brain would lick it,

the feather feels so good

dark & wet dark & wet

lazy muscle

 

i tear my body

Tier my brain

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grace to the Mother for all her $

he’d break my bones

to suck the marrow dripping mean

he’s jealous, he says

the whole time,

I LED US

enter: HELL

i chuckle…

alone and with him

ex lover, ex twin

fuck to my mother,

gladly

fuck to my father

even more

i like to really hurt [you]

lick cracking backbone jaw

full of

ice

like the time i lick dick

for stamp 666

or bang bang

he made me do it

over a year ago

called me earlier

 

can’t tell my boyfriend

can’t tell my mom cause

we talk mean

says i am evil

he’s in florida

still in hell,

shame

he whispers through the phone:  ‘remember:

people think I’m bad but

you’re the mean…

We both like smack

&

you’ll never be better’

i chuckle…

with him cause I know he made me

knees bent all fours, take $

‘though mom’s poor

IT IS FUNNY

MY LIFE IS FUNNY,

BECAUSE I’M ALWAYS

CRYING BUT THE SALT

IS THE RED HERRING

I’m really laughing because I don’t really

Feel your pain when you say you’re withdrawing

I’m confused to who I’m addressing this to,

I think it’s funny

When you hurt

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On missing someone; 1

YOUR NAME feels heavy when I speak it,

does my name feel hot when you write it?

 

HEAVY, dark fun, Goliath?

my hands no longer feel like hands they

reach for your neck paralyzed with

DISCLOSURE OF THE BRUTAL, UNADULTERATED

restorative pain EXPOSURE, EXPOSURE

you are not even here to grab and shake

 

            i see it all over your pores, the sweat.

            it tastes sweet, almost, does it?

 

BODIES are no longer necessary

(as we are no longer anything)

            like bundles of shreds and fibers

steadily growing louder, louder as our SOULS (THE UNDERTAKERS)

become the verve, the wisp of physical frissons 

 

WE ARE RICH, YOU’VE MADE ME SICK

            i think he makes me, like, sick

            until the screaming subsides i am sick girl

 

THAT’S WHAT THEY TELL ME TO PROTECT ME FROM WHAT I WANT

IT IS YOU, YOU, YOU, I MISS YOU, MY TONGUE SCRAPES MY MOUTH

TRYING TO TONGUE YOUR NAME INTO MY MOUTH CAN YOU FIX ME FIX ME

 

?

 

i close my eyes and hear the music we listened to, once

i don’t know where i’ve been and its been difficult without you

these are simple words that are exhaled through the dragging of

a TURKISH GOLD

I miss you

 

Goliath, i think we’ve shared the shadows but

when my thoughts encircle you i think of BIRDS OF PARADISE

 

where are you now? am i still your sisterlove? 

Image

Caravaggio, Salome with the Head of John the Baptist, c. 1609, oil on canvas, 116 cm x 140 cm, Palacio Real de Madrid 

 

 

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Work in Problems

You r lips part and meet repeatedly

//the light pours out of them /// no longersc=

screaming nothing into blackness // he screamis into the night // oftenbut===

maybe he says he is full of shame like breathing chimeras // longingly

 

I am falling asleep at the keyboard // fingers pressing wrong keys

And yet I hae nofinishedzflzj / I hear them whisper oh it please me much like silence they converse up the bloc  oscillating between my eyelids and Hell

They hurt

 

 

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A POEM ABOUT DEVOURING ONESELF

he goes back in search of the goodness, his crummy life

and asks…

I’M ON THE PRECIPICE OF FAME – WHERE ATE YOU,?

His English isn’t so good..

 

Sadly, (frequently)

it is quiet in this place (THE BAR IN POLISH HILL). 

All that is in hell is here, too. if those rings of fire exist

 the lapse between here and there reiterate

the traumas

 

 

whispered and shared between men

and so nothing lapses into HAPPY SILENCE…

 

from his crummy corner, the gruesome man, watches

handsome boys drink ale and discuss the ghosts

they hold in their arms

the other man (IT IS I) who cannot share

the love stories imagine

 

how the men will be devoured by flames when he knocks

the candle over,

birth is the same thing as admitting defeat –

he does not want to wait to be a pious man

 

 

freedom is found in the realization that nothing destroys

the balance between good & evil

I WILL NEVER CEASE TO EMBRACE YOU, I AM A PIOUS MAN

 

He says to himself 

Image

 

Gooski’s, Polish Hill, Pittsburgh PA

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